Preparing for a loved one's death

In preparing for my loved one's death I learned many things. This list is specifically for partners who are not married but many of the suggestions will fit married couple as well. I am not a legal or tax expert so double check the following suggestions with your lawyer, CPA or broker to be sure they are true for you. They were true for my situation but may vary with different relationships and locations.

To do before

There is a form in some states about disposal of remains and who has the right to control them. It comes from the state mortuary board. If your state has this you need to get a copy and have it signed and witnessed. Otherwise this right goes to the closest living relative which might not be you.

Get a medical power of attorney form completed and notarized.

Have a legal power of attorney form created so you can make any financial decisions while your loved one is alive but can't make them for him/herself. Once your loved one dies the power of attorney ends and you will no longer be able to make those kinds of decisions. At that point you will need a different type of authority based on the will, trust or other legal documents the loved one has created.

Be sure your loved one has a will or a trust.

Your loved one needs a living will so that their wishes for care, when they can't speak for themself, will be followed. This should be witnessed and notarized.

Have joint signatures on checking, savings, safety deposit boxes, etc. so that you can access them after he/she has passed, without any problems. If any of these have beneficiaries they should be "transfer on death" with the name of the beneficiary so that they don't have to go to court to get any inheritance. Transfer on death or beneficiaries supersedes a will so be sure they match up. If you are expected to pay for your loved one's expenses be sure that you are the beneficiary of the account where the money for this is held.

Get all pins, passwords, and the Social Security number.

Make a list of any things like insurance policies, a forgotten stock or bond, etc., so that you know exactly where everything is.

If it looks like your loved one will be heading into hospice at home, plan as far ahead as you are able for home help. Right now there is a shortage of help and many agencies need 2-4 weeks notice to offer help. Unless you have friends that can come and take over at night, you will need to get private pay help so you can take a break and sleep.

If your loved one chooses "do not resuscitate", you need that form posted on your refrigerator for all to see and follow. That is where EMTs will look for guidance.

Make a list of medications and other important medical information and print it out so it is handy if you need to go to the hospital.

Talk about the choice of cremation, burial etc. and make decisions while the loved one is still in good shape and can choose for themselves.

Hospice

You can have hospice in your home or the other option is to have your loved one in a hospice care center (like a specialized nursing home). Hospice will provide equipment (beds, commode, oxygen, etc.), medication, supplies (like adult diapers, cremes, etc.), all for free. They will send a nurse at least once a week and there is a nurse to call for advice 24 hrs a day. There's also a doctor they can consult. They will send a nurse to help with bathing once or twice a week. They also offer a social worker and chaplain (non denominational). When the loved one passes they will come and help prepare the body (bathe and dress it). They also offer lots of options for grief support. They do not offer any daily home help. That has to be done by friends, family or private pay help.

After

If your loved one is on Social Security, call as soon as you can to stop any payments. Otherwise you have to repay them. Same thing with any pensions.

If they have any other financial income, like an annuity, call about them too.

Get someone to take all the medications (especially pain medications) to a local disposal center. Here it is Walgreens or Rite Aid. In some places it is the local police station.

Be careful on the death certificate that you don't check "spouse" unless you have a legal document for your relationship. The deceased is "single" without a legal document.

Currently IRAs and 401Ks can be rolled over into a beneficiary's estate account. This account is good for 10 years. Money can be withdrawn as desired during that time but must be emptied within 10 years. This helps control the income so that an inheritance will not create a higher income bracket for taxes.

You will need an EIN number (like a social security number except for businesses and estates) for the deceased's finances. A tax form for the estate as well as for the individual will need to be completed. In many cases a CPA can do this for you. When the estate is complicated a lawyer may also be needed.

Grieving

Many people feel like they have to hide their grief. Don't. Everyone grieves differently on different time schedules so the best thing is to listen to your heart and body and give them what they need when they need it. Letting it flow will help you to move through your grief easier and faster. You can feel more than one thing at a time. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to feel relief. It's okay to feel angry. None of these things lessen the respect and love you feel for your loved one. Sad hits unexpectedly, sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. Sometimes the death doesn't seem real, like a bad dream. Grief is a changing and individual journey.

Other suggestions

Make a list of people who need to be notified (phone numbers and emails addresses). You can divide up and give the list to various family members and friends so that you only have to make one or two calls and they can do the rest. This is not a job that is easy to do on your own. You may not feel like calling anyone but it has to be done, so make it as easy for yourself as you can.

Next, your mind and memory will not work as well as usual. After almost 3 months I still had trouble thinking straight and remembering things. For example, I ended up informing some people about the memorial three times because I couldn't remember if I had done it or not. I might have missed some others too. People who lived out of town asked for programs that I said I would send and I am not entirely sure I sent them all. So I suggest writing everything down. No matter how trivial, let pen and paper be your memory.

About grieving; everybody's grieving process is unique so I can only tell you about my experience. I noticed, even though I knew Bob was dead (I held his dead body, I helped to wash it) there was a part of me that was still waiting for him to come home from wherever he was. I still have sudden periods when I just have to sob and so I let myself do that, sometimes even wailing. I also have periods of time when I feel really happy so I do that as well. One day I was listening to music that reminded me of the music Bob and I used to dance to so I pretended he was there and danced with him. It almost felt like he really was there. I hear him in my head talking to me, calling me private names that no one else would know. I figure even if I'm crazy, it doesn't hurt anyone and it helps me. So the bottom line is, in my experience, it's best to let the grieving process flow where it wants to go. I fully believe it heals the grief sooner and easier.

Everybody says, "Be good to yourself," but what does that really mean? For me, I set a goal of protecting my health by eating at least one good meal a day and getting some exercise. But past that, I let myself eat junk and do nothing if it was comforting. When I wanted to curl up in a ball and be all alone, I did. When I needed company or connection I reached out. I had a hot bath every night because it felt good. Mostly I just listened to what my heart wanted, regardless of what anyone else thought I should want. There are some things that need to be addressed right away (social security, death certificates, etc.) but once they are done I suggest taking time to find out what gives you pleasure or comfort and go for it.

I hope these ideas help and that you don't need them for a long time!

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